My mind is in turmoil. Do I, don't I? So many things running through it. Not sure which one to think about first, which one to do or not do. I figure if I can get through this on my own, I can get through anything. The problem is the heart wrenching loneliness I feel almost every day. And I don't even know why. I thought I was doing well, cruising along this path we call life, content within myself, finally at peace, finally in a place where I could be ok alone, be ok with myself. And I was - until recently. And now, it all seems to have gone back to the way it was. I can feel myself slipping, losing myself, and I have no idea of how to stop it from happening.
The only thing that makes it better, even for a short while, is dance. As usual. My only true companion, the thing that's been there for me whenever I've needed it, night or day. Possibly the only thing I can rely on to be there no matter what. It doesn't have prior commitments or other things to do first. My first true love, possibly my only true soulmate. People have come and gone, but dance has stayed. Stayed with me through the good, the bad and the downright ugly. It is the only place I find peace - within myself and in my surroundings. It is the only thing that makes me forget everything, even myself, and lose myself in a different world - a world where there isn't any black; where it isn't cold and empty; where loneliness doesn't exist.
I am never happier than when I dance.
I read your blog Shruti, because in so much of it I read myself! For a while now, I think I felt happy, content, at peace, plodding along in life, keeping busy. But with the change of seasons, I’ve fallen backwards. You awake in the middle of the night, puzzled and confused as to why you’re feeling the way you do, searching for a way out of this darkened hole. Feelings of sorrow and loneliness consume you. You find yourself repeating the same old questions; what’s gone missing from your life, from you? what will it take to feel whole again? is it a yearning for connection and love? And every night you find yourself falling back asleep with no answers, no ways to change.
ReplyDeleteTo any onlooker, they see a family network of siblings, parents, grandparents, as well as friends. They can’t understand why you feel the way you do. And how could they, when you yourself don’t understand!
Shruti,if your lonliness fades when you dance, then you should just never stop dancing. Unfortunately, not an answer for me, not with my 2 left feet!
Hey Vips,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you can relate to some of the things I write about. Everything you've said above is so true and exactly how I feel from time to time, and especially recently!
As much as I would love to never stop dancing, unfortunately there are practical (and physical!) repercussions. I really do miss it though; miss it so much. I'm dancing, though not as much as I used to, and it almost feels like a waste - it feels like my body was made to dance and I'm not making full use of that. But I'm sure you have something in your life that takes you away from it all, where you can lose yourself and not have to worry about a thing, even for a short while. And if you haven't, perhaps start thinking about what that could be ;-)