Two women are killed each week in England and Wales by a current or former partner - that's one woman killed every three days. **
A quarter of women experience domestic violence over their lifetimes, and between 6-10% of women suffer domestic violence in any given year.
Domestic violence has a higher rate of repeat victimisation than any other crime.
Yet, only 35% of domestic violence incidents are reported to the police. On average, a woman is assaulted 35 times before her first call to the police. And many more thousands of cases go unreported, for fear of of being shunned, rejected, ignored.
"He's always had a bad temper, ever since he was a child. That's just the way he is, he loses it sometimes."
"He must've had a bad day at work, that's all."
Every single day?
"Just leave him alone and to calm down."
Ah, I see. HE's the one who should be left alone.
"I'm not making you feel anything. You're doing it to yourself."
"Why can't you just do as you're told?" Why the F**K do you always have to WIND ME UP?!"
There are so many myths of domestic violence. The above is just some of the 'advice' I was given. I'm sure there are many more (see link) - mostly ones blaming the victim, excusing his behaviour as just a 'habit' or blaming a bad day at work or in life generally.
The funny thing is, even though they 'just lose it sometimes' they never do it in front of people. They never abuse in front of friends or family members. Most people think they're great, do 'amazing work', work for charities and with children. Behind closed doors - a completely different person. So it can't be true that they 'just lose control' or 'just lose it'. Because they're more in control than anyone else in that room - friends and family included.
The real 'skill', the real power comes when they abuse emotionally and psychologically, without using physical violence. Without ever leaving physical bruises, scars, wounds. All these stay under the surface, in the heart and mind, never to be seen or proven. They are selective of when they do it and they choose not to make a noise when others are in the house. Simply abuse and walk away in silence, expecting a smiling face from the victim at all times, never to show the hurt, the pain, the humiliation in public, no matter how bad the put downs in the name of 'just a joke'. They never 'just lose it' with anyone else - this suggests they are very aware of what they are doing.
The truth is, he is very much in control. He makes you feel like everything that happens to you is your own fault, your own doing. He has nothing to do with it. He's just disciplining you, moulding you into the person he wants you to be.
He is in control of your every thought and every emotion. He is in control of your life.
Domestic violence is a crime. It is against the law. So many women cannot and do not speak out because they fear they will not get the help they need and deserve. Why does a woman have to be abused even once, let alone multiple times and over a number of years? So many women, especially in difference cultures, don't leave because they fear shame and disdain from families and communities. So they kill themselves. Because there's just no escape, nowhere to run or hide. Or they're eventually killed - because no one hears their cries, their pleas for help.
Until more people are educated on the dangers of domestic violence, until they can even attempt to comprehend the horrors domestic violence brings, women will continue to die. Or live in shame and guilt, despite having done nothing wrong.
Shameful. Not for the victim, but the perpetrator. If only more people understood that. Even one woman or child dead from domestic violence, is one too many.
*Quote by Diana Rasmussen
**Stats taken from Refuge.org.uk
Very well explained.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with you, having gone through it myself. It is like the person has a split personality, one for the world and one for you!
Absolutely agree with the split personality thing! You just never see the side they show to the world, it's always the dark, cruel side that you get to see!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're out of it now and hope you're doing well?
Thank you for the reply:).
ReplyDeleteI am glad too, that I am out of it (only been 2 months), but the experiences torment me often, as I fail to understand, how someone can be so self-absorbed and selfish, they only want to receive unconditional love not give at all. Time is a healer though. Hope you are well, and healing from all your experiences :).
You are a great writer, it helped me today to read your blog - I felt I wasn't alone. Thank you :)
You did the bravest thing possible walking away. I completely lost myself in that relationship, as so many of us do, and to find yourself afterwards is the hardest step. But you've done the sometimes near impossible and now you're free to make a life for yourself - one which you're in control of, no one else. I applaud you for your bravery and for doing the right thing by you!
ReplyDeleteAhh thank you so much for saying that, it's the main purpose of my blog. I always say if even one person reads this and thinks "I'm not alone, this is helping me" the purpose of this blog has been achieved...so thank YOU for taking the time out to read it :-)